Monday, June 14, 2010

More words of wisdom from AP History students

Here are some more beauties for this year's group taking the Advanced Placement U.S. History test.
QUESTION 1 (DBQ): Deals with the influence of the Puritans on colonial New England in the mid-1600's.
- William Penn, after being expelled from Massachusetts Bay, founded Pennsylvania.
- As John Winthrop's "Model of Christian Charity" shows, Puritans really sucked at spelling.
- Puritan religion dictated that men were always on top of women.

QUESTION 2: Deals with the factors that led to America's victory in the Revolutionary War.
- The Revolution was won thanks to Gen. Thomas Paine.
- Well, this is AMERICA, and AMERICANS aren't a bunch of tea-drinking, crumpit-eating, dirty-teethed WANKERS.
- Never before had men, women, and other sexes taken part in a war.
- The more I read this, the hungrier I become. Reading this is making me think not about the Revolutionary War, but a nice Crunchwrap Supreme from Taco Bell. See, they almost relate in a way. The soldiers work together just as the beef and cheese make a perfect pair. Without them working together my taste buds would not be satisfied, and right now my mind and stomach are having a war for nourishment, and my stomach is winning by a landslide. All I can picture in my mind is that first bite. That perfect combination of hard shell, soft shell, meat, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and sour cream.... I'm just waiting until my time is up and I can go satisfy my aching stomach.

QUESTION 3: Deals with the role of slavery in causing the Civil War.
- The rapture caused a decrease in agricultural prices.
- Slavery was the backbone of the south, and more like the left pinky nail of the north.
- The southern economy relied on huge plantains.
- Gruesome violence led to Bloody Arkansas.
- Stephen Douglas wanted to build a transcontinental railroad that would run from Chicago all the way to Florida.
- Slavery was rare north of the Nixon-Dixie Line.
- No one, no one, no one ever.... is to blame.
- Slavery started in the South when slaves couldn't get jobs.
- John Brown was like the Charles Manson of the Civil War.

QUESTION 4: Deals with the role of women in causing reform during the Progressive era (1880-1920).
- Teddy Roosevelt passed the Forestry Act after reading Silent Spring.
- The first birth control clinic was opened by Margaret Thatcher.
- The fire in the Triangular Wastebasket was a disaster.
- The progressive era saw the invention of frozen food that people could heat up in their microwaves.
- Women had protests with chants and picket fences.
- Men were terrified when Lizzie Borden came into bars and smashed bottles with her ax.
- Yet MORE women who were apparently Progressive reformers: Eli Whitney, Alice Walker, Mother Goose, June Cleaver, Annie Hall, Sadie Hawkins, Mary Poppins, Calamity Jane, Princess Fiona

QUESTION 5: Deals with the importance of population shifts (suburbanization, immigration, Sunbelt) after WWII.
- A lot of Asians moved to the U.S. during the Gold Rush of 1949.

MISCELLANEOUS: Funny stuff not related to the questions.
- Sorry I led you on like this, making you think I was gonna finish. But I'm a senior, and I just don't have it in me today.
- I know I'm not gonna pass, but it's okay - my parents don't beat me.
I'll post the last group of them tomorrow.